As American as Steaming Pile of Guilt Pie

I am a true American. I have no attachment to the old country, and I once signed a lease with a Native American. There are probably other, more actual reasons I am an American, but I can't think of any right now.

I try to keep a tight lid on my blatant Americaness while here, but I'm usually caught when someone asks me where I'm from or when I speak or when I just stand there. It's not that I'm embarrassed by it because I can't help it, but I always feel the need to seem a little apologetic or at least have the decency to lower my voice when admitting my nationality because of my guilt.

For example, here are some things I take full responsibility for in Barcelona that I never would have in the States:

1. McDonald's
2. Coca-Cola
3. the death penalty
4. fat kids
5. Taylor Swift
6. *Miley Cyrus
7. **Justin Bieber
8. Burger King
9. guns
10. t-shirts with English words that don't make sense
11. George W. Bush
12. buying in bulk
13. marriage inequality
14. all the problems anywhere ever
15. Santa Claus

Can you imagine carrying the weight of all that on your shoulders!? What if I shrug (I didn't read it either)!? Therefore, I never know what kind of reaction I'm going to get from people when they learn I'm not Irish (vicious stereotyping) or Australian (Niki Kid and I just got them things I guess), but these are the two most extreme thus far:

The best incident occurred the day ***President Obama was elected for a second term. My fellow American Ty and I were going out to celebrate but took a detour into a fabulous shoe store because we couldn't just not! The man who owned the shop asked where we were from, gave his congratulations then half-heartedly back peddled just in case we were "those" Americans. I have never unbuttoned my Gap jeans jacket (made in United Arab Emirates) so quickly in my life to reveal my American Apparel Obama (made in the U.S.A.) shirt. I kid you not, we all squealed then raised the roof before he ran out to buy some wine so that he could toast with us.

The worst incident happened some other time and went like this: Stupid Idiot, "Where are you from?" Me, "The United States." S.I. (mocking my voice), "I'm from America!" followed by, "You're not from America! You're from the United States. Get a map and learn some geography. You stupid fucking Americans are all the same. You think you rule the world? You don't! Go learn some Chinese." I can't repeat what I said next, but I can tell you that I said it in Chinese.

But mostly what happens is that I get a little shifty, check for the nearest exit, tell the truth and the people couldn't care less, or they just ask me about guns.

 

*She's higher on the list now.
**I heard he's Canadian, but I think we have to claim him because of the NATO.
***I can't speak about what my life would be like if Mitt and Paul had won. They'd have to invent a tenth circle of hell for that.