The Definitive Interview with J.P.P.

I sat down with Jaime and asked him ten questions I already knew the answers to. Here's what he said: 

Do you speak English? 

I do. Do I have to be funny? 

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you besides moving to the United States? 

That's not the worst thing. 

What's the best work out music?

Ummm...This is Gaythe album including groups such as: Bonnie Tyler, Village People, Diana Ross and others. Sorry! Actually Cher. Cher has to be included in that. The only one I always skip is Britney Spears.

Do you like it when I use superlatives?

No. I think it's fake, and it doesn't convey what you want it to convey. It made me feel very good once, but then I realized lots of people are the same, and I was like, "That's bullshit." I don't have one best friend or anything like that. You can't say, "You're the best." You can say, "You're among the best." In any case, fuck off you're not the best. 

Is our apartment the correct size?

Yeah, it's the right size. I like it this small. It's easier to clean. It looks very tidy all the time. The only thing I would like to have is a bigger garden.   
But we don't even have a garden. 

Yeah, exactly. A bigger flower pot that you didn't let me buy. 


Do you like gluing rhinestones to horse heads? 
No. I like the outcome. I don't like the process. It's very tiring and boring, and I prefer you to do it. You have more patience. You have more patience towards it. Not in general. You have more patience with rhinestones. What are you typing? 

Are dogs better than people?

Yeah, absolutely. People are violent. Dogs can only be aggressive. Dogs do not hurt just for the sake of hurting, and they're usually lovely. And most of all, people are powerful and dogs are not. And dogs are softer...usually. Except for your ears. 

Who is a better cook: you or me?

Comparisons are hateful. I think we're both good in our own way, but if we had to cook something special, we would both be bad.  

Who is a better driver?

The same. 

Oh! You're forcing the answer. Okay. I'll tell you what I think. I think compared to me, you drive faster and your braking is more sudden which scares me basically because I had a very bad accident not so long ago. Sometimes you don't scare me. Doesn't mean you drive worse than me. You drive differently, and that difference scares me. (I'd like to add here that the most stereotypical looking grandma woman passed him on the highway the other day.)

What do you prefer to be doing right now? 

I'm good here. Being naked at home and doing fuck all. 

That's all I have for you today.

And you think that's enough for a blog post? You better add something. I'm going to tell you a secret. You could've recorded this with your phone or your computer. Wouldn’t have to be typing all the time and could focus on what I say. Will you correct the mistakes I made? 

You didn't make any mistakes.
Sometimes I do. 

Only you have the power to turn shitty things into stories.

When I Say INTRAUTERINE! You say DEVICE! INTRAUTERINE!...

This year, I'm celebrating Mother's Day, my own mother and our Mother Earth by getting an IUD.

Thanks Obama!!!

But in all seriousness,

Most people would applaud a 12 year old for getting one, but some people don't think it's very cool that a childless, 29 year old, married woman with a strong support system is considering putting it in her "About" information.

Children aren't a good idea for me at the moment. I don't need to explain, but I will.

Everyone's all like, "You and Jaime would have the cutest, olive-skinned, red-headed bilingual babies! And you'd be like the best parents ever!"

False. Jaime's family is super white.

Also, I'm not convinced that we would make good parents mostly because Jaime hates children, and we're completely self-involved. Sometimes we forget that we have a spouse. I don't want us to forget that we're parents, too. 

But enough about how horrible we are...

There are other legitimate reasons to choose not to be a parent indefinitely or for awhile.

Do you know how many stupid people we have on this planet (correctly assuming that every person is stupid)?

7,316,069,472

I don't like that. It's gross. And in the words of Paul Giamotti as God on Inside Amy Schumer, "I really need to stop making so many white girls."

Not to mention the financial aspect. We can barely afford the five vacations we need to take every year. Jaime was born the size of Danny Devito. We wouldn't be able to lie about our kid's age like my parents did at Shoney's and movie theaters.

He also keeps checking out books with titles like, Self-Sufficiency on a Shoestring! and How to Tell Your Wife that Everything She Does is Bad for the Planet. We recently slept on the floor of an RV during a tornado watch, and he thought it was the bee's pollen press, which leads to insane comments such as, "Hey! Can you believe that they'll give you land in Kansas and Minnestoa for free!?"

I can.

All this just makes it clear to me that we don't know what we'll be doing or where we'll be doing it in six months much less five years. I will die if I have to care for a human child inside a railroad car in the middle of Kansas. I really will.

So, I will apologize to my mother, the best mother, who wasted a perfectly good egg on me. May she be a grandmother, the best grandmother, and may my younger siblings be responsible for that because I cannot wait to be an aunt. 

In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out how to raise myself and an adult Spaniard.

  Auntie Em and Tio Jaime long after he has stopped 

plucking my beard. We should be so lucky.