Fatherhood has been deeply inspirational for Jaime.
He's often inspired to leave the house to go to the grocery store. It has inspired him to start making wine in the basement and going to the community center to swim again. It has even ignited a never before seen love for menial, time consuming tasks around the house that are too dangerous for Sol and me to be near.
I guess one could call it a fucking renaissance.
I'd be lying if I claimed I hadn't seen this time of self-discovery coming. Jaime never wanted to be a father, and even though I never forced him to become one, I did take advantage of his growing old and giving up the fight.
Parenthood is hard for everyone, I assume, especially if you never imagined you'd be one.
It isn't easy on a relationship either.
Before Sol (BS), we were pretty good at having conversations. We made eye contact, tried very hard to listen no matter how stupid the other person's point was and peppered the discussion with dramatic but appropriate gestures and responses. It was very well scripted.
We don't even pretend to do that anymore.
Now, we have two entirely different conversations with ourselves but at each other. It's very liberating and unhealthy.
I guess I'm jealous that he still has meaningful contact with the outside world, and because I don't, the information I'm bringing to the table is exclusively about Sol who is, understandably, a very boring person.
My phone is my only tether to Earth right now, but I can't trust it. It targets me with brilliant advertisements that I could ignore only while I had an income.
I just call everything a Christmas present and give it to him immediately after it's delivered with a manic, anticipatory smile while he wonders how much it cost.
One that really got me was a book you can personalize for dads. The hook was that every man in the ad cried so hard he couldn't manage to read it to his child, and I fucking needed it. It took me forever to decide what color his shirt should be and lots of thinking about Sol's true essence to guess how she will wear her hair in the future.
I gave Sol the credit when it finally arrived to keep the heat off of me.
"Sol got you a Christmas present, Daddy."
It was the perfect setup.
He opened the package and said flatly, "It's a book. Oh, that's weird that there's a character named Sol."
I explained that I didn't just find a book in Spanish with two animations that looked exactly like him and Sol with a character named Sol. I think he understood what I was saying, but I'm still not sure.
He has read it to her once, and everyone's eyes were dry as deserts.
But that's who Sol's daddy is.
He'll never remember what her favorite characters or friends' names are, but he will compose elaborate operas in nearly Italian, morning jingles in Valencian and silly rhymes in English on the fly while dancing her to sleep.
He will never be interested in her school events or extracurricular activities, but he will make sure she sees the ocean from on top of a surf board while he paddles for hours and long after she asks to go back to shore.
And he will certainly never get emotional while reading her a book or even when she graduates, but she will see how upset he is when an animal is mistreated or hurt and learn that it's the most vulnerable around us who need our kindness and respect the most.
Sol might not always understand her dad, but I think she will end up understanding him more than anyone else ever has. And they are both so lucky for it.
What a waste of money.
