Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Still Don't Have Any Problems; Someone Please Give Me Some Problems Because I Need Something to Write About

I thought I had a problem for a millisecond today.

During the millisecond, I turned into myself and said, "The world is full of problems, and you, myself, don't have nearly your fair share of them."

Oh my god you guys. I think I'm going to be as big as Dr. Maya Angelou.



Sleep tight, Maya Angelou. I loved you, and I liked your poems 
even though I didn't really read that many of them because I don't like poetry all that much.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

British People Think They're Better Than Me And I Agree With Them

When I was a kid, the only thing I wanted more than British friends was Jewish friends (if you don't count Black friends). But this isn't about my Jewish or Black friends, this is about my British friends and how they speak. I even worked for a Jewish guy for ages which was a dream come true, but like I said, this is about my British friends.

One cool thing about my parents is that they really appreciate British humour, and they shoved that humour really far down our throats until we really appreciated it, too. I thought every British guy was like John Cleese or Eddie Izzard, and every woman was Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders or Queen Elizabeth II. 

However, now that I actually know a lot of British people, I can say that that is 100% accurate.  

My first real Brit was Kim whom I've lived with for over a year and a half. No one ever asked me to, but if I was to design my absolute perfect Brit, Kim would be her. Then ultra-British Eleanor moved in with us, and I lost the plot. Imagine it! Just imagine coming home to two flatmates who can't help but talk that way all the time.

I've got my other mates, of course, who greatly outnumber my American friends (thank god). They're always from a Somethingshire or Nottingham or a place with a university or a Somethingbury or other places that don't really exist. They pick at accents trying to tell where other Brits are from and cringe when someone's a chav. I still have no idea what the hell they're talking about, but truthfully, I can't be arsed nor bothered about it because I love all of them especially the chavvy ones.

This is my mate, Kelly's, actual voice. Her ACTUAL voice.

Aren't you just so chuffed by that!? Could it be more lush? Bloody hell.

When I started teaching, I had loads to learn because I teach British English. My first day, a kid asked me if I had a rubber, and I was like, "No, I don't have a rubber you eight-year-old pervert!" The little girl and I, through the ancient and beautiful art of charades, eventually figured out she was talking about an eraser. I didn't have one of those either.

I had to explain to my sixteen-year-old student who was about to go to the States to study that he'd better say math instead of maths if he didn't want to be crucified. He protested, but I was like, "Bu, bu, but. Shhhhhhhhhh."

I still get pissed and pissed confused, which really pisses me off especially when I'm pissed.

A car only has a boot when you haven't paid your parking tickets, football is not something I give shits about in any of its forms, and yes, I know it's wrong. I didn't name the damn sport. I'm not a fancy dress person! Why can't we just have costume parties on days that aren't Halloween like normal people!? Filling your tank with petrol at the garage makes you sound ridiculous and just say TV for Christ's sake!

That's what I want to say, but what I really do is change the way I speak because just like my father, I secretly think I am British. It drives my fellow American, Melissa, up the wall and rightfully so. I reckon that makes me the most annoying person on the planet. However, being obnoxious is the American way, and my British friends love me for it even though they claim we're all terrible and speak incorrectly. They're my favourite.





One time I asked Eleanor if British people wore black on July 4th,  
and she said "no" like she didn't even care!