I asked Jaime why he smelled like a man, and what I meant by that was why did he smell like any other man but himself.
He doesn't have a strong BO, but I still pretty regularly shove my face under his arm and take a big whiff of his pit. His smell comforts me, and I like his brand. He doesn't even own deodorant, which made this new smell even more offensive to me.
His response was that he had a zit on his forehead, so he sprayed cologne on it to dry it out. This sounded reasonable for him, so I went to brush my hair.
Discovering the open box of Dior Eau Sauvage Eau de Toilette confused me so much, I nearly yanked a matted patch of hair from my scalp.
Had this stinky bourgeoisie bitch truly sprayed Dior on a pimple?
He had.
You might be asking why I have such an expensive cologne in my house, and the answer is simple and believable. I didn't buy it. My father-in-law shoved it in our suitcase last time we were in Spain.
What might be less believable but still true is that I've never bought a perfume much less a parfum in my life. I do have two bottles, though. Elizabeth Arden's Red Door, which my mother put in my stocking one year to remind me of my grandmother's scent and Rihanna's Crush, which my father put in my stocking another year to remind me that I'm a White, lower middle-class Midwesterner.
Was I fourteen when I got them? Was I twenty-seven? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
What I do know is that I've never used them because even cheap perfume makes me feel like a fraud. I like to smell like me even though, if Jaime's BO is an "agree," mine is a "strongly disagree" on a Likert scale.
I would have preferred he'd used either of the ones Santa had given me, but I guess him smelling like Rihanna would have been more confusing. Whereas him smelling like my grandmother would have been inconceivable.
It doesn't matter, though, because neither of us would have used it otherwise. Jaime, because he doesn't smell, is unfazed by the French and has no concept of reality. Me, because I was raised by hippies, fear the French and am maybe too real.
Anyway, I'm trying a new skin care regimen tonight. I'll let you know if it works.
