When I Say INTRAUTERINE! You say DEVICE! INTRAUTERINE!...

This year, I'm celebrating Mother's Day, my own mother and our Mother Earth by getting an IUD.

Thanks Obama!!!

But in all seriousness,

Most people would applaud a 12 year old for getting one, but some people don't think it's very cool that a childless, 29 year old, married woman with a strong support system is considering putting it in her "About" information.

Children aren't a good idea for me at the moment. I don't need to explain, but I will.

Everyone's all like, "You and Jaime would have the cutest, olive-skinned, red-headed bilingual babies! And you'd be like the best parents ever!"

False. Jaime's family is super white.

Also, I'm not convinced that we would make good parents mostly because Jaime hates children, and we're completely self-involved. Sometimes we forget that we have a spouse. I don't want us to forget that we're parents, too. 

But enough about how horrible we are...

There are other legitimate reasons to choose not to be a parent indefinitely or for awhile.

Do you know how many stupid people we have on this planet (correctly assuming that every person is stupid)?

7,316,069,472

I don't like that. It's gross. And in the words of Paul Giamotti as God on Inside Amy Schumer, "I really need to stop making so many white girls."

Not to mention the financial aspect. We can barely afford the five vacations we need to take every year. Jaime was born the size of Danny Devito. We wouldn't be able to lie about our kid's age like my parents did at Shoney's and movie theaters.

He also keeps checking out books with titles like, Self-Sufficiency on a Shoestring! and How to Tell Your Wife that Everything She Does is Bad for the Planet. We recently slept on the floor of an RV during a tornado watch, and he thought it was the bee's pollen press, which leads to insane comments such as, "Hey! Can you believe that they'll give you land in Kansas and Minnestoa for free!?"

I can.

All this just makes it clear to me that we don't know what we'll be doing or where we'll be doing it in six months much less five years. I will die if I have to care for a human child inside a railroad car in the middle of Kansas. I really will.

So, I will apologize to my mother, the best mother, who wasted a perfectly good egg on me. May she be a grandmother, the best grandmother, and may my younger siblings be responsible for that because I cannot wait to be an aunt. 

In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out how to raise myself and an adult Spaniard.

  Auntie Em and Tio Jaime long after he has stopped 

plucking my beard. We should be so lucky.