The Definitive Interview with J.P.P.

I sat down with Jaime and asked him ten questions I already knew the answers to. Here's what he said: 

Do you speak English? 

I do. Do I have to be funny? 

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you besides moving to the United States? 

That's not the worst thing. 

What's the best work out music?

Ummm...This is Gaythe album including groups such as: Bonnie Tyler, Village People, Diana Ross and others. Sorry! Actually Cher. Cher has to be included in that. The only one I always skip is Britney Spears.

Do you like it when I use superlatives?

No. I think it's fake, and it doesn't convey what you want it to convey. It made me feel very good once, but then I realized lots of people are the same, and I was like, "That's bullshit." I don't have one best friend or anything like that. You can't say, "You're the best." You can say, "You're among the best." In any case, fuck off you're not the best. 

Is our apartment the correct size?

Yeah, it's the right size. I like it this small. It's easier to clean. It looks very tidy all the time. The only thing I would like to have is a bigger garden.   
But we don't even have a garden. 

Yeah, exactly. A bigger flower pot that you didn't let me buy. 


Do you like gluing rhinestones to horse heads? 
No. I like the outcome. I don't like the process. It's very tiring and boring, and I prefer you to do it. You have more patience. You have more patience towards it. Not in general. You have more patience with rhinestones. What are you typing? 

Are dogs better than people?

Yeah, absolutely. People are violent. Dogs can only be aggressive. Dogs do not hurt just for the sake of hurting, and they're usually lovely. And most of all, people are powerful and dogs are not. And dogs are softer...usually. Except for your ears. 

Who is a better cook: you or me?

Comparisons are hateful. I think we're both good in our own way, but if we had to cook something special, we would both be bad.  

Who is a better driver?

The same. 

Oh! You're forcing the answer. Okay. I'll tell you what I think. I think compared to me, you drive faster and your braking is more sudden which scares me basically because I had a very bad accident not so long ago. Sometimes you don't scare me. Doesn't mean you drive worse than me. You drive differently, and that difference scares me. (I'd like to add here that the most stereotypical looking grandma woman passed him on the highway the other day.)

What do you prefer to be doing right now? 

I'm good here. Being naked at home and doing fuck all. 

That's all I have for you today.

And you think that's enough for a blog post? You better add something. I'm going to tell you a secret. You could've recorded this with your phone or your computer. Wouldn’t have to be typing all the time and could focus on what I say. Will you correct the mistakes I made? 

You didn't make any mistakes.
Sometimes I do. 

Only you have the power to turn shitty things into stories.